Are You Standing In Your Own Way? How To Break Free

Have you ever found yourself stuck in a cycle, repeating the same patterns, making the same choices, and then wondering why you're not making progress towards your goals? Often, the biggest obstacle standing in your way is…let’s be honest…yourself.

Understanding and acknowledging that you can be our own biggest roadblock is a fundamental principle of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and much of the basis behind the rewiring and remapping of thought patterns in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. But how exactly do you get in your own way? How can you identify those patterns? And why are they so hard to change?

Well, I read a book on this same sentiment a while back that changed the way I view our self-imposed limits.

It was called "Existential Kink" by Carolyn Elliott. Carolyn presents a unique perspective to the “get in your own way” paradox and why we do it. The central theme of the book revolves around recognizing the earth shattering truth that you may actually be finding unconscious pleasure in the parts of your life that you usually associate with guilt or shame - the patterns, emotions, and behaviors that hold you back.

Don’t worry, we’re all doing this to some extent! We all have our vices…

She argues that we unconsciously desire and get a certain satisfaction from our struggles, in other words, you may be fighting for your own limitations and holding onto your own problems as a part of your identity. And from what I know about the subconscious mind, it will fight to the death to preserve an identity. Good news is, by bringing this into conscious awareness, you can liberate yourself.

By recognizing and welcoming these aspects instead of fighting them, you can harness their energy for your own personal growth and transformation.

Overall, "Existential Kink" encourages us to embrace and love our complexities and contradictions, and this can be a powerful tool when examining the ways we might be getting in our own way. It's about making your unconscious desires conscious, and in doing so, unlocking your full potential.

So let’s explore some common ways you might be getting in your own way:

Self-limiting beliefs:

We all have beliefs about ourselves that limit our potential. These could be thoughts like "I'm not good enough", "I'll never succeed", or "I'm not deserving". These beliefs, often formed from a very young age in childhood, can hold you back from not only from pursuing our goals but experiencing life to the fullest with the full capacity to love and connect with others.

Fear of __________(insert your fear here…failure, success, etc.):

Fears can leave us in one of several forms; paralyzed, or in fight of flight. Either way, it’s not a state that’s aligned with moving forward on your goals and aspirations. We either become avoidant (which is like the modern day flight response) or anxious and frustrated (unconsciously preparing to fight). 

Procrastination:

Procrastination and a lack of discipline can lead to a cycle of uncompleted tasks and unmet goals. Which equals a very large stack of shame, guilt, and frustration. This is a very common road to self-sabatoge and something I’ve worked with many clients to overcome.

Exercise: Overcoming Self-Imposed Barriers

Here's an exercise to help you identify and overcome the ways you might be getting in your own way:

Reflection: Take some quiet time to reflect on your behavior, actions, and thoughts. Are there patterns that continually show up? Are there goals you haven't been able to reach, despite your efforts? Write your patterns down so you can see them on paper.

Identify your roadblocks: Look at the patterns you've written down. Do you see any common themes? Are you avoiding certain tasks? Do you have beliefs about yourself that are holding you back? Are you afraid of failure, success, or change?

Challenge your roadblocks: Now that you've identified your roadblocks, challenge them. If you've identified self-limiting beliefs, question their validity.  This is very Cognitive Behavioral Therapy based. For every negative belief, write down a positive counter-statement. I.e. the opposite of what you currently believe to be true. Even if you don’t “believe” it yet, these beliefs are the new self-talk we want to work towards rewiring into our new identity.

Create an action plan: Finally, create an action plan to overcome these roadblocks. This could involve setting specific goals, seeking support from a coach or mentor, or using techniques like visualization or affirmations.

The key is to create the first next step, and act on it immediately. The mind likes to see progress and positive results. Progress and positive results tell the nervous system to keep going. You’re doing the right thing.

If you’re coming up on resistance in your action plan, take a step back and adopt the Existential Kink approach. Ask yourself: “Is there a part of me that actually takes pleasure in these self-imposed blocks? Get really honest with yourself, what is the positive gain from holding onto your problem, situation, and current identity. Acknowledge and embrace this positive intention, integrate it into yourself as a whole, then allow yourself to come back to your action plan and use this greater self understanding as a springboard for change.

In summary, recognizing and acknowledging the ways you get in your own way is the first step towards overcoming the barriers you’ve placed on reaching your goals and creating the life you desire. It's a journey of self-discovery, honesty, acceptance, and growth.

Thank you for taking this step and committing to becoming the best version of yourself. Remember, small daily steps lead to significant changes over time. Join us in the Self by Design Community for more videos and mental fitness exercises like this one to continue your journey of self-mastery.

P.S. Ready to expand your mind alongside other like-minded, growth-oriented individuals? Join our Self by Design Community Membership to access our ever-growing collection of mind-training videos, powerful masterclasses, revitalizing recorded meditations and so much more!

To creating anew.

Much love,
Nicole